Tag: existential crises

I’ve been putting this off for some time now, primarily because it’s ‘high calorie’ self-indulgent. However, it occurs to me that if I don’t openly ruminate on this topic, it will consume me whole (or at the very least leave me perennially grumpy). So, if you’re happy to join me on this groan fest, then let’s sketch some chalk symbols on the floor and “EXORCISE THE DEMON”.

*Adjusts stuck on name tag and stands up* *clears throat*

“I’m middle-aged now”.

I live in a tree of blessings. I have a loving family and am loved. I have friends I cherish deeply and (currently) all my faculties are obedient to my will. However, this term’s blog is about cleansing an existential blemish, vis-à-vis: this doom-themed season of the boxset of my life that I’ve been re-running recently. It’s linked to the shorter distance (mathematically speaking) between my ultimate demise and the time I could stay out till 5am. It’s not exactly an existential crisis, more an existential ‘put the coat in the washing machine at the wrong heat setting’ issue. But I still need to move on and do it in a way that I can air Season Six and simply blame the writers for the dark nature of the previous episodes and get on with really trying to like the current Top 10 or at the very least staying out till after 9.30pm. Therefore, I am hopping on the ‘cherry-picker’ and maneuvering away from the tree of blessings and into the ‘fart-hole of pity’ just long enough to make a lick of sense of this feeling of the inevitability of tragedy. Come with me, when has a ‘fart-hole of pity’ not been swinging!

The ultimate problem is a sense that, after nearly half century on the globe, the world is ultimately a dark place. I don’t mean eschatologically as in climate change (though, that is depressing) or politically (imminent arrival of power to right wing leaders across the 49% of the global population who will vote in their country’s elections this year) or the unending, unyielding contrived culture wars that threatens to topple other people’s lateness as the most irritating thing I can do nothing about.

Just that, we – as humans – are fundamentally dark. Or at the very least, our sense making of the world can be shaded. I mean, it’s true to say that suffering is inked into our skin. And fine, I admit it, I have been reading a little Schopenhauer of late…sorry.

In case you’ve never met him, here’s his picture:

Arthur Schopenhauer was a German philosopher known for his pessimistic outlook on life and his emphasis on the concept of the will. I won’t delve too much into this, suffice to say that Schopenhauer posited that the will is the fundamental aspect of human existence and drives all human actions and desires. He saw the will as an irrational and blind force, underlying both individual actions and the workings of the universe and with pessimism and suffering at the heart of this existence. Schopenhauer believed that life is inherently filled with suffering and that human desires and pursuits ultimately lead to dissatisfaction. He viewed existence as characterized by an endless cycle of striving, suffering, and fleeting moments of pleasure. He’s the mayor of ‘Fart-Hole of Pity.’

However, one can’t help but feel an alignment with such a view in middle-age. And he’s not alone of course. Religion, particularly the Christians, place the inherent failures of humans as a necessary part of our existence. Their way out of perpetual misery is salvation through a prophet who…guess what: Suffered. Other religions assign a strict adherence to rules and roles in life as a way of finding meaning in all this suffering and rage. What is there, however, for those of us who found the pews too uncomfortable and songs lacking a little edge?

We are left with simply ignoring it – which (and let’s not under play this hand) is not without its advantages. Do you sometimes feel that life is an eternal struggle which ultimately ends in failure? Yes, I did like ‘Eternal Flame’ by The Bangles and would love another Cornetto – thanks. We could all be ‘Alexas’ – innocuously misinterpreting our misanthropic moaners by offering alternatives:

“Can we ever get out of this head space of suffering”?

“Okay, here’s ‘We gotta get out of this place’ by The Animals”.

I need to confess. We are only visiting ‘Fart-Hole’ today. I have already been here. And I found a way out so that visiting is an indulgence rather than a planned retirement. And my panacea for middle-aged maudlin of a ‘all life is suffering’ nature came from another existentialist and one whom I never touched upon before…Albert Camus and more specially his book: The Myth of Sisyphus.

I was aware of Sisyphus. I knew he was the chap from Greek Mythology who pissed off the gods and as punishment for his actions, when Sisyphus died, was condemned to Tartarus, the deepest part of the Greek underworld. His penalty was to roll a massive boulder uphill, only for it to roll back down every time he neared the top, forcing him to repeat the task for eternity.

Not unlike teaching.

I jest, of course, but actually: no – this was what nudged me into the direction of Camus. I was comparing teaching to Sisyphus to a poor colleague who was simply trying to mark her work. I was bemoaning (probably) how some saw teaching and learning as a linear experience for all involved with neat assessments at the end. As any teacher will tell you, learning is not linear (apart for a lucky few). The truth is that learning is a colossal effort, and its dissemination to young minds is the boulder to be toiled on the mountain in Hades. With each roll, that rock of learning is taught over and over and over, by turn and turn again; imparted in several different, colorful, targeted, formative inquiry-based differentiated ways till you get finally get that boulder to the top of the hill…and still…the children don’t get it. So, as you watch the boulder roll right back down the hill again, you stiffen your sinews, put your back against the stone and roll it back up to the peak.

I mused on this at home and came across Albert’s book ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’. So, what’s Camus’s view?

The main idea of Albert Camus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus” revolves around the concept of the absurdity of life, which at times, I am sure, we can all agree on. Camus argues that life is inherently meaningless (a la Arthur) and absurd, yet humans must confront this absurdity and find meaning and fulfillment in the face of it. Therefore, view Sisyphus as a metaphor for the human condition: despite the seemingly futile nature of his task, Sisyphus finds purpose and meaning in his struggle. Camus suggests that embracing the absurdity of life allows individuals to find freedom and authenticity.

What I found not only as a comfort but also a practical fix to when the wheels start coming off was that the cyclical nature of the absurdity of life cannot be ignored and must at times be faced – but be faced with what it is not what others can contrive it to be. There is an authenticity in shouldering suffering and a freedom in choosing to push back again. But that only comes when you choose the seriousness of a thing, which whilst not always in your power given any Herculean labour on any given day: you can at least defang its bite: filing through to its absurdity and meaninglessness.

I may from time to time miss my indestructible youth; my realization that the chap in the mirror bears no resemblance to the namesake in my head and be worried about what the next eight months may bring geo-politically. However, ask anyone old enough to remember or care…there’s nothing new. Just all things repeating, again. And that’s absurd. But we shoulder the suffering, freely and with character. And we get to make our meaning.

Whether Arthur likes it or not.